Memoires of David C. Gull

As an International Rugby Superstar I am able to enjoy the finer things in life. Having worked hard and overcome many obstacles (namely the inability to catch) I can be proud of my achievements. I grew up as young boy watching my heroes; Jason Leonard, Os Du Randt, Carl Hayman, Robert Paparemborde, little did I know that one day I would surpass them all. International rugby stardom became a reality in November 2018 with my selection for the National Team, I was so nervous before my first match that I forgot all the words to “Majulah Singapura”, and instead I sang “My Baby Takes the Morning Train”.

I feel that rigid lifestyle is necessary for me to be able to maintain such high standards of performance. Each week I ensure that I perform the following: binge watch the complete first series of Alan Partridge, catching practice with Jill twice a week (she throws a pillow at me from 3 meters and I try to crocodile catch it), limit watching strong pornography to only 5x per week, practice my stand-up comedy routine into a mirror 1x per week, and finally spend 60 minutes battling on Pokemon Go.

Recently I’ve taken to listening

to audio books whilst on

my morning commute.

I’ve found that auto-biographies are particularly motivational, and I find it easy to relate to many other superstars like myself. Having listened twice over to Steve Coogans latest autobiography I can now recite it word for word, which I perform in a Partridge-esque voice. Next I’ve lined up “My Booky Wooky” by Russell Brand, this should speak to me as like him I am also a bit of a Casanova/ International Love Machine. As I’ve enjoyed these auto-biographies so much I’m now in discussions with a publishing company to write my own, I feel the demand is there as people need to hear and read my story, it could change their life.

One of the many perks of being an International Rugby Superstar is that I am now offered lucrative sponsorship deals. I’ve turned down an offer to be the face of “100 plus sports” as the money wasn’t enough, instead I am now a member of the UpSkill Asia team. I feel that I can offer them the international brand exposure which they are seeking, and what better evidence of up skilling is there? I am the human embodiment of skill improvement, as I am now at a new level of ball catching, this season I’ve caught 8/20 balls passed to me, pretty impressive you have to admit. I’d like to thank my agent for getting me this deal, its really added to my image as an international rugby superstar.

Due to booking mix-up I am away this weekend and not available to play. As I’m an International Rugby Superstar my agent has booked me to be in another Japanese Shampoo commercial (my third so far), unfortunately it is commitment that I cannot get out of. I’m never quite sure what is going on when we shoot these things, but there are a few women in kimono’s, a man in a giant bee outfit, 3 ninjas, and bloke in a Samurai outfit dancing around me whilst I wash my thick locks in a shower. In spite of not really being sure of what is going on, I do enjoy my trips shooting these commercials as everyone always laughs at my Partridge impressions.

I hope you enjoyed a brief glimpse into my world, I’m very fortunate to become the public figure that I am, and with a bit of hard work and a bit of luck you can be just like me.

D. C. Gull

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